Spoiled For Choice

How I achieved certain milestones because of my best friends

By Sanjana Parikh

Ummm so if you’re 24 years old, a female or living in Ahmedabad, you must understand how it’s like when you’re all three. “So… what plans of settling down?” “You found no one in New York?” “Is work so important?” and my favourite: “Compromise is key”. OKAY AUNTY! SHUSH. I returned from the US after completing my Masters in late February. Days later, I was told that it was about time that my parents “start looking”. A month after my return, I was to start my dream job in Bangalore, which obviously got postponed because of COV… let’s not. Anyway, so I spent a lot of time at home, catching up on what it’s like living in a joint family and sharing your dirtiest secrets with cousins, realizing how much I had missed my dog and how very fun every family gathering was. So whenever the discussion of a boy was thrown at me, I didn’t mind it. But a few times, it got to me especially when I was told that I was “too modern” and that I needed to “dial it down”. So when I’d get all riled up, I’d lock my room and FaceTime one of my best friends. 

Now, best friend is a term I’ve never been able to define. Because over the years, all my best friends have had extremely different personalities. Plus, they all live in different parts of the world. So the equation I share with one, I do not share with the other. And yet, I know that in the worst of times, I can turn to either and vent. So in an age where “finding the perfect boy” will be considered as a significant milestone by society, I’m going to tell you in this article… or vent-ricle (see what I did there?), the milestones, however minor, I’ve achieved because of my best friends. A much, much overused term, I believe, I’m going to try and define it by the end of this thank-tricle. (Sorry!)

Names, obviously, have not been used because I’ve tried my best to draw a picture for you through their personalities. I hope they come across to you as they have to me. Happy reading!

“What?” She asks, almost worried that I had gotten myself into some sort of trouble.

“This may sound ridiculous to you… but I don’t want to come back because I’m conscious of my weight.” (A story for another time.)

A deep breath… and then, “I get it.”

We went on to talk for another hour about how she understood my frustration, anger, jealousy, insecurity among other feelings despite never having gone through something similar. But she and I had grown up in the same town, around the same people, went to the same school and always had been in the same class. She knew where I was coming from. She understood that. And that’s all I needed. In that moment, I didn’t need a lecture on weight loss or giving someone the benefit of doubt, just an audience that understood me. And there she was. 

I’ve wondered many times why she doesn’t get mad at me, especially because she’s been a punching bag for many years now. I get frustrated at her when I shouldn’t. She’s at the receiving end of unnecessary comments. But I think she sees through that, the mask and the facade, and decides to stay, to not react like me, to be the better person and just says, “Calm down. It’s not the end of the world that I put that T-shirt in the wrong cupboard.”

Honestly, there’s no specific incident that made me comprehend her importance in my life. But every now and then, she’s a force that keeps me grounded. She’s the filter my personality needs, and what I learned from her you ask? Be kind. (Especially to infants who cry in long-haul flights.)

Okay so this one is I think the most evolved relationship. It’s been over 7 years that I’ve known her now. And we were such different people when we first met. I didn’t agree with her on most things, and vice versa. Most of our conversations that were supposed to be light and fun, ended up in us arguing. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved spending time with her. But initially there was a brief moment of hesitation before calling her my best friend. Now in hindsight, I know this was petty. I’m stubborn, inexpressive, and I like things done my way. Reality check was needed and I ended up socializing with the one girl who was exactly the opposite. She’s extremely giving, very expressive and readily compromises for her loved ones. 

I give her all the credit for the reason we are friends today. But here’s what’s interesting. I didn’t realize how much I loved and appreciated her till she called me one day out of blue, months after we had graduated from college. 

“We were so silly, no?”

Yes sister, we sure as hell were!

About two years ago, I visited her in her hometown for a weekend. After a night of a lot of Moscow Mules, Vodka Sodas, mint shisha and dairy milk silks, we woke up the next day with a severe hangover. We looked at each other and said together:

“Nope. No. Nahi ho payega.”

“Can’t get out of bed.”

We spent the next hour talking about boys, booze, books and boobs. And honestly, that’s my favourite memory of that trip and one of my favourite memories with her. As she dropped me off at the airport, I clutched onto the famous Lucknowi mushroom wrap that she bought for me as a parting gift and gave her a tight hug. I’m not a hugger, but I didn’t let go of her for many seconds because I knew that as soon as I would, I’d feel a pang which I wasn’t ready for. I didn’t know when I was seeing her next and I hated that uncertainty. We bade farewell and I continued wondering when I’ll be seeing her next in my two-hour flight back home. 

Honestly, where do the three hours go when I speak to her?

So… what I learned from her: People learn as they go. Be patient.

bold, opinionated, passionate, driven and independent she was, she was so fucking grounded! “I’m not a fan of undermining oneself” “Stop whining and just tell me what you want to do” and “Bloody townie” were some of her usual phrases regularly thrown at me. If there was someone who was fucking proud of her achievements, her family, her work, her brains and her body, it was this one. And she came at a time when I needed someone to constantly push me off the ground but necessarily bring me back down. 

Within a week of knowing her, I was sharing my deepest darkest secrets with her. We bonded over Asian food, cheap cocktails and cheesy garlic fries. As someone who doesn’t share easily and quickly doubts people, I remember thinking if there was some way this one would betray me… maybe publish all my secrets on her blog. But with her, there was no effort, no judgment. It was just so simple with her. It is just so simple with her.

Over the two years that we lived in the same city, I realized that she was the first person I was sharing so much so quickly with, whether it was the fight I’d had with someone back home, how terrible my first kiss was or how boring the Tinder date was. I cried in front of her, and this is big. For anyone who knows me knows that public display of affection, especially sorrow, is impossible with me. She’s the one who fed me the best butter chicken in Mumbai and rolled the best… sushi [just kidding ;)]; and for both, I’ll always be grateful. 

Thank you for showing me that being vulnerable is not a flaw. That “you gotta put yourself out there”. That family is everything. And that love will always win. 

You’re a gem.

This one’s interesting. Emotional doesn’t mean drama. She’s big-hearted. Everything to her is extreme. You love a lot or you hate a lot. There’s no in-between. Go big or go home, sister! So no wonder we bonded during wintery nights in New York, when I’d shiver in a thick winter jacket and she’d smoke a cig in a thin sweater. “Dilli ki hoon bhench…” was her answer every time I asked her why she wasn’t feeling cold in below zero degree weather. 

This one taught me to love. She taught me that it’s okay to express yourself, your emotions, however raw they are. As someone who had never done so, it was reflex to dismiss her and even now, I know I’m not very likely to take heed to her suggestions. But she is a living, breathing example of “You won’t get screwed up if you express, baby!” 

One day, she walks up to me and tells me, “You and him would make a good pair.” 

“You’re crazy, I’d never thought about that.”

Funnily enough, I had. It was an innocent passing crush, which I would have dismissed had it not been for her. For days she explained to me why I should tell him. And for days I argued why I couldn’t. She forced me to text him, and I, a horrific texter, did so… very badly.

“Yaar kuch bhi karo toh dil se karo.”

So putting my trust in her judgment, I went and told the guy. And well… he didn’t feel the same way. Boo hoo.

The morning after, however, I woke up early to a terrible hangover. Put off with the previous night’s happenings, I wore my sweater over my pyjamas, brisk walked to the nearest grocery store and picked up a pint of coffee ice cream, which I finished while watching one episode of Fleabag. I messaged this one that I shouldn’t have said anything at all. That I’d made a mistake by opening my mouth.

“Why?! You have nothing to lose!”

That’s all she said. And every time I tried feeling sorry for myself, there’d be a visual slap across my face with her Pathani green eyes and I’d snap back to reality. Okay so the guy didn’t feel the same way! To heck with that. I’m gonna pat my back anyway. We’re living in the age of a pandemic. So don’t think. Just fucking do it!

Thank you for teaching me that expressing is better than letting those emotions boil like a volcano waiting to explode inside. I know that my relationship with the people around me has bettered because of this. I love you.

We met a few weeks later to get bubble tea. I was being polite when I accepted the invitation to that because I hate Boba. But in that one hour, we found out that we had gone to the same ski camp, the same year, but two weeks apart. And from that time, our plans to ski in Vermont began. 

This one is me. I see a lot of me in her. And I listen to her. Even now, when I see my phone screen light up with her name, there’s a smile on my face. Sure we didn’t have long conversations in the cold or have known each other for years… but she’s able to create an atmosphere of comfort around whoever she meets. She’s like a big pillow that you see after a long, gruelling day that you can just sink into. And the pillow will hug you right back.

You keep secrets like no one. Even if you don’t like someone, I know you’ll never spill their secret. When the hell am I seeing you next? I can’t wait to meet Ranvir Singh who’s your chacha’s mama’s son’s daughter’s husband’s grandfather’s aunt’s fifth cousin. 

You taught me how to be a true friend.

Sanja loves you. 

I once mentioned to her that I had an assignment to submit and that I was getting nowhere with it. One late morning, as I was making my coffee, she barged into my room and said, “Don’t you have that assignment due tomorrow?” She sat next to me while I wrote my draft, constantly criticizing my every mistake. We ordered pizza, watched a horror movie and I finally submitted my assignment. Before we both turned in, we talked endlessly about how we wanted to have commendable careers, and that we’d stop nothing to achieve that.

But for the first time in my life, I had encountered someone… no, correction. I had encountered a female my age who felt so strongly about being financially independent. And if there was someone who taught me that there was nothing wrong with being a girl and wanting to be so independent and ambitious, it’s her.

I came across this saying a few years ago. I don’t if it’s from a book or Instagram: Aim for the moon. Even if you don’t land there, at least you’ll be among the stars. But here’s what she taught me: Aim for the moon. And do not stop at the stars.

Thank you for always cooking for me, for always having something sweet whenever I came over, for always feeding me the best Asian food and for constantly challenging me. I learned to step out of my comfort zone because of you. 

And finally, we’re at the end of this piece. I cannot define this term, best friends. Because for me, all of my best friends have personalities that do not really overlap. But anyway… let’s do this: To me, my best friends are my solace. It’s someone I can be myself around. For example, when they’re telling me such a funny story that I forget what my face is doing… making that horrible, double-chin-y, cringeworthy expression that’s actually me laughing. Or having those laughing fits in general that nobody else would find funny. I know she’s my best friend when our conversation goes back to planning our next meal right after we’ve had an argument. To me, my best friends are those who constantly motivate me to write. They’re my moments of instinctive helpfulness. 

So the soulmate may or may not come. What gives me peace is that in a society that is going to judge me no matter what, there are these forces that make sure I continue shining.