A couple of days ago, sitting across from our computer screens, a friend, let’s call her Friend A, and I disagreed on an unusual topic. She said some friends just don’t add value to our lives anymore and we must therefore distance ourselves from them. I didn’t believe so. I think every individual who we’ve tagged as a friend at some point, added, is adding or has the potential to add some value to our lives. And better yet, what is this value? I’m not an exponent, and isn’t the whole popular idea of ‘networking’ based on the notion that anyone, anytime can be of some value to you?

That same night, I stumbled upon a scene from the TVF show, Little Things, the one where Dhruv asks Kavya why he still needs to be friends with a certain school friend since their outlook in life didn’t match anymore. What Kavya said to Dhruv that night is important but not as important as the fact that this issue is being spoken and thought about. And that as we chill with a friend, cracking some jokes or sharing a deep moment, they might be thinking whether we are adding any value to their lives anymore or not. This makes me uncomfortable.

As we grow older, our friendships begin to change in more ways than one. The phases of our respective lives reflect in our conversations by default. As we begin to take charge and make decisions, friendships play a vital role. Another one of my friends, let’s call her Friend B, was preparing for an important Indian entrance examination for over a year amid the pandemic. As the pandemic progressed, she decided to not take the entrance when they finally got scheduled after several months. When she shared this news with me, my first thought was that she must be getting cold feet and that my duty was to push her to roll up her sleeves and go for it. But she had made up her mind to not take the exam and to my surprise, also break ties with me. She believed I judged her decision, and she had felt like I had always judged her, so much so that she did not feel comfortable sharing anything with me in the past few months.

 So, in contemporary friendship lingo, I was a ‘diminishing value’ friend to her, one who not only does not add value but actually takes away some existing value from their life. Hey, I am human, and if I came across as judgmental, I am down to apologize ever so respectfully. But to my dismay, I wasn’t forgiven.

 I am trying to depict here the various reasons why we get distant from friends. So, while Friend A lets go of friends because they are not adding value to her life anymore, Friend B is cleansing her friends’ circle with a similar notion in mind, without specifically making it a concept. Both, in the end, voluntarily let go of ‘diminishing value’ friends. While someone like me on the other end of this friendship band gets weird with Friend A in lieu of this capitalism-driven value addition concept and loses Friend B involuntarily, after being dumped.

 I don’t think you always need a big heart to forgive. I genuinely believe that it’s often the people with a small heart, the ones who cannot contain their emotions, who forgive quickly so they can forget about it. But I will say that things cannot last like this. It’s almost like we look at everything from what I can only tag as a ‘resume point of view’. While I am all for friends as cheerleaders and people who have your back, I also believe in Kabir’s doha: nindak nere rakhiye. It means, ‘keep your critics closer’. If I don’t agree with a friend’s major life decision, that shouldn’t mean I don’t support her. Similarly, if one day, I stop adding value to a friend’s life – in any way – maybe I don’t know enough about current affairs, maybe I can’t solve a financial problem of hers, I can’t offer a global perspective on things, or I am just plainly dull, that shouldn’t mean that I am not friendly or supportive or least to say, loving.

 There’s also Friend C – the ones who simply don’t understand you anymore (or you don’t understand them). It’s like that evening when Mike came over to Ross’s house with a couple of beers and they are looking forward to a chill night, but it doesn’t quite go that way. This, but with a person who you have actually had chill nights with previously but now the spark’s just gone. But even when some sparks are left, some friends don’t comprehend your humor anymore, get passive-aggressive with you or fail to accept one or many of your personality traits. For example, I have met many friends who simply refused to understand my emotional side. They’d either make fun of my sensitivities or get bugged by it. Here, I was the one to let go of them as they just wouldn’t accept me and see me beyond their understanding and perhaps for no fault of their own. And therefore, I place no blame on friends who let me go in a similar way, but I do object to being asked to leave because I couldn’t be a feather on their hat or a ‘value addition’.

 I guess then, it all boils down to how we look at our friendships. Is it a value-based relationship or an emotion-based? And yes, these can be intermingled as some bonds can have both – your friendship with a class topper or the best performing team member at work can be very informative and rewarding - but it’s important to note the foundation in these cases, will the value be there without the friendship? Or will the friendship last without the value sharing?

 For me, friendship is when I sit down after a tiring day and wish to just blabber without any filter, I know who to call. Or when I disagree with them or get angry at them, I can irreverently share and/or yell without thinking of consequences. Or plainly share a meme or a song or a thought so they can feel as happy, sad, or confused as me at that moment. For me, it is life sharing, really and it’s not in a philosophical or holy context but rather very simple and practical. As I go about life, each day, on big and ordinary days, I feel better when I think I have someone to share ‘this’ with. Too bad I can’t do that with the ones I have lost. But I guess we gain some and we lose some, right?

 It’s just important that the sum total gives you happiness!

Thumbnail: lifehack.org

Picture: Netflix